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Written for DragonCon 2019 - the theme that year was “Superheros.” We didn’t have a song so we wrote one about the world’s Worst superhero. Kirsten researched actual headlines for this song and had pages of them she couldn’t fit into the musical phrasing! There are some real doozies out there. Many of the incidents mentioned in the song happend at WalMart. Really. We'll let you guess which ones!

lyrics

Florida Man charged with deadly weapon throwing gator into Wendy’s drive through
Raids-farmer’s-market for fruit and soda, dressed only in a tutu
Assaults his girlfriend with fried chicken while drinking his own homebrew
practiced-karate on swans in the park, at least it wasn’t kung fu
Florida Man hits McDonald’s employee ‘cause he didn't get a straw in his pop
Attacked his sister, she touched his cigar, and then he bit a cop
Claims he didn’t drink and drive- only swigged while he was stopped
Gets thrown out of Trumpster rally, for hat with dildo on top

Chorus: Who’s the guy who’ll save us all? Not Florida man.
Who’s the guy who’s strong and tall? Not florida man
He’s dumb he’s lame he’s sure to miss
Hold my Beer Hey ya’ll watch this! It’s Florida Man!!!

Florida Man, Fights eviction, over-- emotional support-duck
Kills world-famous Busch-Garden flamingo. Gets squished by a truck
Attacked his neighbors with roach spray, hits own head with nunchuck
Steals pool floats for sex instead of a ... finding a girl to cuddle
Florida Man pinched purebred puppies, pushed them down his pants
Steals 12 quarts of motor oil, and pushed them down his pants
Filched 6 fish from exotic pet store -and pushed them down his pants
Purloins sirloins, lobsters, too and pushed them down his pants

Chorus

Florida Man, takes ride to jail, instead of riding on a manatee
Dressed as bull, burns exes home with sauce from his spaghetti
Drives date to bar on sto-len Wal-mart scooter for mobility
Threatens to kill people-with-kindness. it’s the Name of his machete
Florida Man claims Proudly he’s the first man to vape semen
Puts lysol into pickle juice, to poison his own girlfriend.
Runs to Bermuda in inflatable bubble. Rescued by Coastguard... Again.
Wanders naked with cooking oil. Says he’s aroused by rain.

Chorus

Florida Man denies syringes-in-rectum are his, he don’t know who’s
Called 911 due to lack of vodka for his Moscow mules
Says-3-pounds of meth was not for people, just for cleaning pools
Rips urinal from bathroom wall, runs naked , into-the- woods
Florida Man Breaks into jail to hang out with his friends
Throws sausages at mom because she won't cook him some eggs
Paints Anti-Clinton messages on tampa area crabs
And don’t forget that he’s to blame for all those hanging chads! FLORIDA MAN!!!

credits

from Positively Gruntled, a collection of non​-​sequitur ditties, released May 7, 2021

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The Blibbering Humdingers Cary, North Carolina

These magical masters of musical hi-jinx and mayhem will wizard rock the tea towel right off your house elf. Their unique blend of 80s new wave, 50s do-wop, straight up pop rock and old-timey sing-song comedy will leave you laughing and crying for more. Songs about the wizarding world of Harry Potter, Dr Who, D&D, the SCA, medieval fantasy and all kinds of nerdy fandom. Salaciously whimsical! ... more

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