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Minstrel by Trade (and a Fool in my Spare Time)

by Efenwealt Wystle

LYRICS: All civilized lands love the highlander's pipes, but some folks they just don't agree They like 'em far off in the mountains, or from deep beneath the sea The average lad knows a song or two and a really good piper knows three He'll play each tune 'till his face turns blue, then he'll play 'em again for free chorus: Oh, who kilt the piper? Who burnt his kilt? Who cracked his chanter and made his bag wilt? Who pulled out his fingers? Who broke all his bones? And who was the bugger that buried his drones? 'Twas early or late one fine morning, 'twas six or seven or so And the piper he was a playin'. 'Twas the fart of a god in his blow Now this lad he was playin' tae early. He lost many a friend on that day And when they found his poor body. All his limbs had been hacked away We gathered the parts of his body, and threw them all into a sack. We ripped all the arrows from his forehead, and pulled out the knife from his back We found one arm in the bushes, and his head placed up on a pole And it seems that each of his tushes had been torn off and stuffed up his hole. We searched through the entire city for the fiend that had doon him in. We found a Dutch mercenary with black greasy fur on his chin There was also a Swede and a Norman, an Italian and a merchant from Crete Well these lowly, un-scottish barbarians had never heard music sae sweet They claimed that the song of the piper was the same as some poor tortured cat. They admitted to treason and murder. Then they went to his grave and they spat. A mountain of kilts jumped the scoundrels, and made them pay for their sins. They beat 'em with golf clubs and cudgels and cursed 'em for what they had din. And now every morn before sunrise, his ghost comes back from the grave And he plays 'em a tune on his bagpipes, but he only knows Scotland the Brave.
LYRICS: One night I dreamt of you. I fell in love with you Under a starlit sky. I roamed the world with you 'till the dawn brought the dew And we watched the sunrise. I thought you soon would be only a memory Lost within my mind. Then I awoke to see you were there next to me Resting by my side. chorus And the morning sun was shining in your hair A song, a smile, a moment that we shared Still longing for the magic that was there When the sun was in your hair Then you smiled at me. You were in love with me. I felt the light of your day. And I said to you how much I cared for you. Not enough words I could say. We knew the world was ours as we watched the stars. We had the whole Milky Way And I held you tight all through that wondrous night Hoping that you'd always stay And so we spent the time. I was yours. You were mine. Both of us played our parts. When ev'ry morning came and we still felt the same We had loved from the start. And we hoped and prayed. We could not be afraid. Nothing could tear us apart. As the days went by we felt more alive Knowing the love in our hearts.
LYRICS: Some would say its good to be the King or the Czar Or perhaps the Prince of Wales and eat lots of caviar But I say its better, so much better by far to be Misha (da, its good to be the Misha) Let me tell to you a tale about a man that I once knew Of all his nasty habits and the awful things he'd do So please don't call me crazy for this sing I song is true About Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) There were 17 or so of us all sleeping on the floor When Mikhail Kazimirovitch came stumbling through the door He quickly fell asleep, but then he started to snore He was Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) Well we rolled him on his side and we shook with all our might We stuffed his mouth with dirty socks and held his nostrils tight We splashed him with cold water but he would not wake that night He was Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) So we wrapped him in his blankets and we threw him in the lake We shaved off both his eyebrows, just for good times sake We screamed and played the bagpipes but that Misha would not wake Oh poor Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) We duct-taped him to a tree outside and used him for a pell. We pulled out all his fingernails and threw him in the well. We hit him with sledge-hammers, yes we beat him all to pieces. Squishy Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) So we stuffed him in the cannon and we shot him far away And hoped we would not hear from him until the break of day But from the nearby forest, we could hear that awful bray... (SNORE) Of the Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (clap clap) Well, early the next morning, Misha woke and looked around. And realized his sleeping bag was 10 feet off the ground. He shrugged, went back to sleep, and began to make that sound... (SNORE) Of the Mikhail Kazimirovitch Pomeshanov (HEY!)
LYRICS: Crashing ever forward --- the longship cuts the sea. The captain watches skyward --- for he knows what's soon to be. Dark storm clouds are rising --- from the edges of the world. The cold white sun is dying --- for the giant's axe is hurled. The world now sleeps frozen --- in winter's ice grasp. The frost giants leave the mountains --- armed with spear and axe. Storm they now the lowlands --- raging death to all. Merciful to no man --- the mightiest shall fall. And through the three year --- winter they raid with evil joy. March they now on Asgard --- Valhalla to destroy. Fimbulveter has ended. --- The crows in warning cry. The Einherjar awaken --- for Ragnorock is nigh. Odin calls to council --- all valiant gods and men. Arm themselves for battle --- for war they must attend. The massacre is final --- save those few who should survive Who've hidden in Yggdrasil --- A world they'll revive. The captain watches, tired. --- His face it shows now glee. His eyes turn slowly downward --- for he knows what's soon to be.
Matty Groves 04:17
LYRICS: Holiday, a Holiday and the first one of the year Lord Arlen's wife came to the church, the gospel she did hear When the meeting it was done, she cast her eyes about And there she spied little Matty Groves a-walking through the crowd Oh She tripped up to Matty Groves, her eyes so low cast down Saying "Pray oh pray come with me stay as you pass through the town." "Oh I cannot go. I dare not go. I fear 'twould cost my life. By the rings on your fingers I can see you are Lord Arlen's wife." "Oh what if I am Lord Arlen's wife? He is not at home. He's gone off to the far country. He's bringing the yearlings home Oh pray of pray come with me stay. I'll hide thee out of sight. I'll serve you there beyond compare and sleep with you 'till light. Well a servant who was standing by, hearing what was said Swore that Arlen he would know before the sun had set. And he did ride the King's highway. He swam across the tide. He ne'er did stop until he came to great Lord Arlen's side. "What news do you bring my bully boy? What news do you bring to me? My castle burned, my tenants robbed, my lady with baby?" "No harm has come your house and land," Lord Arlen's servant said. "But young Matty Groves is with your wife and he's lying in your bed." So Arlen called his merry men. He bade them with him go. He bade them ne'er a word to speak and ne'er a horn to blow But among Lord Arlen's men, one who wished no ill The bravest lad of all the crew blew his horn loud and shrill "What's this?! What's this?!" said Matty Groves. "What is this that I hear? It must be Arlen's merry men, the ones that I do fear" "Oh lie down, lie down little Matty Groves and keep my back from cold Its only Arlen's merry men calling the sheep to fold." So little Matty Groves he lie down and took a little sleep. When he awoke Lord Arlen was standing by his bed. Saying "How do you like my feather bed. And how do you like my sheets? And how do you like my lady wife who lies in your arms asleep?" "Oh well do I like your feather bed. And better I like your sheets. But best of all I like your lady wife who lies in my arms asleep." "Get up! Get up!" Lord Arlen cried, "Get up as quick as ye can! For it'll never be said in fair England that I slew a naked man. "Oh I can't get up. I won't get up. I wouldn't get up for my life. For you have two long beaten swords and I've not a pocket knife." "'Tis true I have two beaten swords, but they cost me deep in my purse so you will have the better of them and I shall have the worse. And you will strike me the very first blow and strike it like a man. I will have the very next blow and I'll kill you if I can." So Matty struck the very first blow and he hurt Lord Arlen sore. Lord Arlen struck the very next blow and Matty struck no more. Then Arlen took his own dear wife and set her upon his knee. Saying, "Who do you like the best of us now, your dead Matty Groves or me?" She picked up Matty's dying head. She kissed it from cheek to chin. "Oh I'd rather a kiss from dead Matty's lips than Arlen and all his kin!" At that Lord Arlen he jumped up and loudly did he ball. He struck his wife right through the heart and pinned her up to the wall. "A grave! A grave!" Lord Arlen cried. "To but these lovers in. But won't you bury my lady at the top, for she was of noble kin."
LYRICS: As I stand upon this mountain, looking out across the sea Through the mist I see a land that strangely calls to me I can hear familiar voices, saying "You've been gone too long" But on the breeze, the sound grows louder, I think I hear a song chorus: Fair Lady Atlantia, she rides upon the wind The bravest of warriors, and the poet's friend Though I've traveled for many days She never seems so far away Fair Lady Atlantia, my lady by the sea The gentle folk they still remember the simple days of years gone past In Crannag Mor, at Tear Sea's Shore, at home in Elvegast I long to roam Windmasters' hills, the mountaintops of Sacred Stone And wander through her boundless woodlands, I long to be back home Now I stand upon this mountain, looking at the land below I turn once more and say "Farewell" to those that I have known For now its time to journey onward, along an endless winding road But someday I'll return to see the place I call my home Through the years that I have traveled. So many places I have seen I close my eyes and I can see the land within my dreams
Shaboom. Shaboom. Yadadadadadadadada.
NOTES: E, dame jolie Mon cuer sans fauceir Met en vostre bailie Ke ne sai vo peir So vant me voix conplaignant Et an mon cuer dolosant D'u ne ma laid die Dont tous li mous an amant Doit avoir le cuer joiant Cui teilz malz maistrie Si forment magrie Li douls malz da meir Ke par sa signorie Me covient chanteir Oh, dear lady, gentle and fair Know my words are true I leave my heart within your care For none compare to you Long the hours I grieve, complain In my heart I know such pain Though in truth I should delight Any lover, any man In my place would gladly stand suff'ring from this tragic plight Such the joy and gladness you bring Grief shall I withstand So I'll rejoice, yes I shall sing At my heart's command
LYRICS: Standing in the fading light she waits all alone For one more chance to see The face of a memory Of a love that once had been Where has he gone? She turns away, lost in her tears And waits for her love to return Waiting for her love to return Waking from her twilight dreams at hoofbeat's fast approach Who is this messenger? Has he returned for her? "How fares my master, sir? Oh please what news?" The rider drops his gaze and quietly bids her ride, "For our lord, he needs you by his side. Our lord needs you by his side." Over hills and over fields they ride all through the night To the gates of Paris town And through the gathered crowds Around her lover's house They stand aside She walks up to the door and steps into the gloom Where the man inside hopes death will find him soon The man inside hopes death will find him soon (Abelard) "Please go away! Show me not thy face! My God has punished me For my temerity For my pride and lust for thee. I am not a man. Now please go at once and leave me to my prayers. And allow me to make peace with my God. Please allow me to make peace with my God. (Heloise) I will never leave, my love will last all time. Because this love for thee Is greater than the western sea Or any injury. Our Souls are bound. Thou wilt see my love that time will heal thy Wound, And someday Love will return. Someday Love will return.
Waiting 03:15
LYRICS: Once upon a time and long ago or so, as ev'ry love story goes In a land far away from here, far from anywhere In the gardens of her father's hall watching the autumn leaves Singing to the birds and to the trees. Waiting for a man to come along, waiting so long Waiting to hear the words to a song. And then one day there came a minstrel strolling by Singing to the birds and to the trees, singing for everyone He sang of wondrous thing, of the magic inside ev'rything The earth, the moon, the sun and the breeze He sang of meadows green, of lovers watching the dawn He sang of deeds and days long gone. Then off they rode together hand in hand and side by side Singing to the birds and to the trees, singing for love Making songs and dreams, waking lonely melodies Singing down the moon and the stars high above Perhaps someday, their fairytale won't end. Perhaps the sun will rise again Weary of winter, I'm waiting for summertime Waiting for the sun. Wanting to be with you, wanting a moment to See everything we've begun. To hold your hand in mine, and stroll along for a while Knowing I'm the reason for your smile Weary of winter, I'm waiting for summertime Waiting for the sun.
If I was a viking, I'd never go to school. I'd never use a toothbrush and I'd hardly ever drool. I'd sail on the northern seas finding folks to aggravate. If I was a viking, then life would be just great. If I was a viking I'd never change my clothes. I'd bathe semi-annually and I'd sometimes pick my nose. I'd have a great big long-ship with an ugly dragon's head. I wish I was a viking, just like old Eric the Red. If I was viking, well I'd be pretty smart 'Cause I can wystle lots of songs and some tunes I can fart And writing stuff would be easy. I'd be happy all the time 'Cause Nordic poetry alliterates. It does not have to rhyme. (excuse me 'rhyne') If I was a viking, I'd be fierce and brave. I'd never have to comb my hair and I'd rarely have to shave And I'd worship Thor and Odin, and maybe Heimdall too. Then I'd party in Valhalla when my body is maggot food. If I was a viking, I'd never run away. And I'd bring all my booty right back home to old Norway. And when missionaries convert me, and I become Christian Then I'll forsake my pagan life, Yes I'll forsake my pagan life, I might forsake my pagan life and end this song. AMEN! Yodel-odel-ay-he-hoo!
LYRICS: Walk through the night, trees closing all around Stop and listen to the air Tiny voices, light, footsteps behind you now Someone or something must be there So you turn around and see the fairy folk Dancing and laughing in the wood Try to join right in, but they just disappear Are they watching? Will they come again? Moon behind the clouds, you stumble off the trail Dig your way out through the briars Strange unearthly sounds, just might have heard this tale One night while resting by the fire Now sing along and step into the fairy ring And hear their merry elfin sounds Try to jump right in. They vanish in thin air. Are they watching? Will they come again? Dawn is creeping near, lying in the morning dew You waken from your long night's dream Start at packing gear, must have been last night's stew Just too much drink or so it seems You look up in the trees and see their smiling eyes Their golden brightness fills the sky Try to fly with them, but they all float away Are they watching? Will they come again?
LYRICS: Well I had me a bowl o' porridge, but it tasted just like gruel My wife hid me golf clubs. She doon been so cruel. My bagpipes are leaking, I kinna find the wind. My sheep ha' been cheatin'. My flock ha' doon sinned. I got the flat bagpipe itchy kilt blues. Those bad haggis highlander blues. My wife hates me so much, wove me kilt o' stiff wool. Then I stand in a strong breeze, I'm a regimental fool. My young lass is breedin'. She is na' yet wed. She took the damned English all into her bed. I got the flat bagpipe itchy kilt blues. Those bad haggis highlander blues. Well, my derlin' died last night, oot there near the barn. Her soft wooly coat was a part of her charm. I'm all oot o' brandy. I'm all oot a scotch. There's fleas and there's crabs all over me crotch. I got the flat bagpipe itchy kilt blues. Those bad haggis highlander blues. Well my neighbor's been raidin'. My land is left bare. My flock have all wandered, I dinna ken where. The King's called an army. He's picked up a fight. I don't have the money, so I'm sendin' my wife. I got the flat bagpipe itchy kilt blues. Those bad haggis highlander blues. Oh laddie, never try to oot clever a scotsman. He'll just break his golf clubs over yer head and then spit in yer face a thousand times until you just turn into mud. And if that's not good enough for you, stick around for few minutes. We'll see who can throw that log the farthest. Two bags o' gold say I can play more notes in the span o' ten seconds on this here tin-whistle then you can you stupid little, boxer shorts wearin' English twit! Get back here and fight like a man already!
LYRICS: Years ago when I first discovered Elvegast In the Barony of Windmasters' Hill I went to feast and to watch the Harvest Tournament A day I still remember and hope I always will And I dreamed that someday I'd do everything And I planned to one day have it all I met a lord and a lady who'd show me the way The baron and the minstrel of the hall He was once the noble leader of my barony He was proud and strong. His honor bold and true. The lady was the minstrel who inspired me She'd play her songs the day and night right through And that evening as we sat around the circle And we listened to the music, quite enthralled I could feel the shared admiration between The baron and the minstrel of the hall The baron sought to teach me grace and courtesy The lady encouraged me to sing Though I may have strayed from the paths that they layed And they just might think I haven't learned a thing But they'll always be the guideposts on my journey Though they think their contributions may be small How can you repay someone for giving you a dream? The baron and the minstrel of the hall Now the years have gone and the minstrel traveled far away The baron has made me part of his clan I look back on the dreams I've made realities And I see so many more that I still can Though you may not understand why I follow him Or why it is I answered his call Now he is my captain, the master of my Oath. And now I am the minstrel of his hall
I'm a Saxon 01:16
I'm a Saxon. I'm a Saxon So are you. So are you Let's go kill a Norman. Let's go kill a Norman Biff! Bang! Boom! Biff! Bang! Boom!
LYRICS: Ridin' bright and early down the King's Highway Had to hit the road by the break of day Don't be late for inspection or the tourney lists Hangin' out all weekend with my favorite anachronists Why do I do this anyway? Welcome my friends to the S.C.A. Seems like I've been driving for at least a week Time to stop my dragon and take a leak My ass is sore and my brain is startin' to numb I'm drivin' with escapees from a mental asylum Why do I do this anyway? Welcome my friends to the S.C.A. Finally reach the site off a gravel road Some crazy celt jumps out only dressed in woad A viking with a hammer and a kilted drunken scot Lookin' like the rejects and the extras from Camelot Why do I do this anyway? Welcome my friends to the S.C.A. Find a place to place to park and unload my gear My household must be camped at least a mile from here The people at the troll booth lost my reservation check Forgot to set the VCR and now I'll miss this week's Star Trek Why do I do this anyway? Welcome my friends to the S.C.A. ALTERNATE LAST COUPLET: The troll booth lost my reservation, now I don't know what to do. Forgot to set the DVR and now I'll miss my Doctor Who.
On the Sea 02:28
LYRICS: Sailing away, on the ocean of life towards the sunset A thousand new dreams, adventures, possibilities lie ahead Farewell to my lady. Farewell to my kin. I'm seeking my fortune. I'm off once again On the sea I look to the sky as I watch all the world drifting by me A song in my heart, I can feel, as we sail at full speed We soar 'cross the oceans. Our sails unfurled We'll head on forever, all over the world On the sea The white foamy crests and the gulls overhead wave good-bye The wind fills our sails, as the sun and the clouds fill the sky I turn to my comrades. I raise up a cheer For now they're my brothers, as long as we're here On the sea Sailing away on the sea
LYRICS: I've got boogers in my nose I've got boogers in my nose And a little bit of cheese between my toes I've got boogers in my nose I've go wax in my ear And the Hershey squirts are pouring out my rear I've got water on my knees You'd better watch out 'cause now I've got to sneeze I've got bile in my liver I drank so much coffee that I could pee a river I once lived in an amniotic sack If my blood gets clogged I might get a heart attack I've got oil on my skin If I wear a sheep it would be lanolin I don't know what lymph is for But if you don't have any, well you might just die I think this song is pretty The only word I can thing to rhyme is too dirty to sing I think I'll end this song right now
LYRICS: Well my name is Angus Ibn Ali Caliph o' the Tay in ol' Dundee Amang the heather in my bedouin tent I'm a camel-ridin', turban wearin' lowland gent (hame laddie) Well I was cookin' up a batch of haggis and falafel And I must admit that it smells pretty awful Me guid friend Eogan(yo-gan) cam alang And he said "Hey Angus, what's that sang?" (Ahhhhyaahhhahhhhhieh-ahhhhh-rum-tum tiddly-iddly-i-do-day) In me kaftan plaidie that hangs tae the floor And a scimitar the size of an old claymore I wave tae the lassies as I walk doon the street And they say "Hey Angus! Where's your trousers? (oh shite, wrong song. Let's try that again. We'll just have to wait for it to come around again on the doumbek) Well that's my tale, and its not very good I only wrote it 'cause I knew I could I'll play beledi and pipe 'till I'm blue And then I'll play a little bodhran too! (There is but one god, Bonnie Prince Cherlie, and Robbie Burns is his prophet!)
LYRICS: We spend our lives searching for freedom We spend our lives searching for love Once in awhile, come upon a friendly smile Hoping to find a place called home After the hard times and the waiting After the good times and the fun We find that our friends will stay with us 'till the end Helping us find that place called home Sitting 'round the fireside in the evening Pass the drink and share a song or two Talk about the old days when the world was bright and young Waiting for the early morning dew When time at last leads to the parting When time at last leads to farewell I'll pray my friend that our paths might meet again And one day you find that place called home


These are songs I (Scott) wrote between 1989 and 1999 inspired by my life in and around historical re-enactment (the Society for Creative Anachronsism). I am re-releasing this under a Creative Commmons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. If I understand that correctly, that means you are welcome to perform, adapt, record, and distribute your own versions of the songs on this album. All I ask is that you give me credit, maybe send me a copy of your version and also share it for free under the same license. If you get tips for singing my stuff, keep them. If someone takes video of you singing my stuff, it's okay. If you want to sell recordings or otherwise publish your version commercially, you need to contact me for permission.

You'll note I have listed this as "name-your-price". If you can afford to pay me a few bucks, I appreciate it. If you really just can't, don't feel guilty. Or maybe you've bought the CD before and keep losing it. Whatever. It's cool.


released August 1, 1999

Recorded by Scarlet 'Elf' Goode in Winston-Salem, NC during the spring and summer of 1999. Mixed and mastered by Mark Messick at Roland Pro Sound. Vocals and most instruments by Scott Vaughan (aka Efenwealt Wystle) backing vocal and some percussion by Kirsten Vaughan (aka Aenor d'Anjou). Additional backing vocals and noises by Oshi, Sine, Kit and Susan. Cover illumination by Apri Reilly.




The Blibbering Humdingers Cary, North Carolina

These magical masters of musical hi-jinx and mayhem will wizard rock the tea towel right off your house elf. Their unique blend of 80s new wave, 50s do-wop, straight up pop rock and old-timey sing-song comedy will leave you laughing and crying for more. Songs about the wizarding world of Harry Potter, Dr Who, D&D, the SCA, medieval fantasy and all kinds of nerdy fandom. Salaciously whimsical! ... more

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